


I Miss You

by death8kidd



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 04:34:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8314105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/death8kidd/pseuds/death8kidd
Summary: I’m tired, simply tired. The days go by in blurs. It's become harder to move. I feel as though I’m stuck in a never ending loop. Every night I go through the same nightmare and everyday I go by the same, a machine.Despite all of this I keep moving forward.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fic I've written and had the courage to post. If there is anything I messed up on and any of you have an idea as to how I can improve please don't hesitate to say so. Please enjoy!!

“Horse face.” I glared at the person who insulted me. This has been going on for a while, insult backed up by another insult. I was reaching my limit. This time it was a completely different person. One whom I've never seen before, even so I wasn't about to lose to a complete stranger. The whole horse face thing started because of one very angry hormonal teenager.

“Don’t call him that.” I blinked looking behind me to see a tall figure with freckles littered across his cheeks.

“And why is that?” The person who was arguing with me spoke. His already ugly face scrunching up further with annoyance at having been interrupted of his fun.

“You don’t look any better.” I don’t know whether that was an insult towards me as well but it succeeded in making the other person leave. Well, not before promising revenge.

“Thanks I guess.”

“You’re welcome.” He extended his hand out to me. “Marco Bott by the way.”

“Jean Kirstein..” I shook his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

\----

I heard laughter coming from behind me. Irritated I swiftly turned to glare at the group of people behind me. It only caused them to irrupt into another wave of laughter. I sighed shaking the water off of me to no avail, the water had already soaked through my clothing. I hated their pranks. They were usually always aimed at me. With the exception of Sasha, of course. This one involved a bucket of water over the door attached to a string that as soon as I turned the knob, I was hit with freezing cold water. The night was already cold made only worse by the wind that came through the window. It would be a miracle if I didn't get sick the next day.

“Ok guys that’s enough. Leave Jean for the night.” A gentle voice said from beside me. The others groaned in disappointment but left none the less. I sighed once again relieved.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Come on, let’s get you dried and into new clothes.” He said dragging me into my room. I sat down on the bed. The room didn't have much other than the essentials. The bed was in the middle with nothing more than a pillow and simple bed sheets, opposite the bed stood a mirror big enough to see my reflection from my position, next to my right side a small bedside table where I keep my gear and on the left a decent sized closet that faced the bed. He walked over to the closet and produced a towel. I took it from his hands and started to dry my hair off. Dry clothes were set beside me. I looked up at him and smiled.

“You are my favorite person.” I told him and I received a blush with a smile.

“Umm.. I-I'll let you change.” He stuttered out before walking out the door.    

\----

“I hope you won’t get mad but you’re not a strong person, so you can relate to how the weak feel. In addition, you excel in sizing up any situation. Is that why you know what should be done immediately?”

‘Yeah. I think that may be why.’

\----

"Jean?"

"What is it?"

"We'll get through this. Right?"

"Of course we will. Don't forget we'll both be joining the Military Police!"

He smiled brightly.

\-----

Memories flashed through my mind as I watched the fire rise and burn bright. I couldn't help but look away wishing all of this a dream.

You and your smile were the things that kept me going. Now, looking back at the fire, there wasn't a possibility where I could see that again. A pain in my chest told me that this is real. The flames burn through you and I'm filled with regret.

I'm slammed with happy moments that you and I shared. Even if those moments seemed so far away and never to come back. They are something I will always cherish.

I’m pissed off that we had to burn you. Couldn’t give a simple burial even if I wanted to. It was a waste of time they said, too much work and not enough supplies for everyone.

_"Your orders were right. That's why I could run. That's why I'm alive."_

That same feeling of regret came back. The feeling of pain and hurt, that I tried to shake off, washed through me. With that thought I became undone. I just simply couldn't take it anymore.

I let the pain of having lost you take ahold of me. There isn't a point in faking to be fine when I'm entirely broken within. As I looked down the tears ran from my cheeks onto the ground. The sadness that I feel keeps growing and the same thought keeps running through me. I had sworn to myself to protect you but in the end, I failed. I failed and you paid the price for my mistake.

In the end you were the one to save me.

I could have done something! I could have kept you out of the way! No. I should have done more than that. Then maybe.. maybe you would have been standing here beside me or I would have been the one in the flames and you here safely beside our friends.

Our friends are gone. They tried to persuade me to leave this spot, to get some rest. All I could do was sit here as they walked away. I couldn't keep myself from staring at the flames.

An image of you flashed before my eyes. One that I'm not fond of, never will be. Your lifeless form perched up on the side of a house. Blood covered the place where your other halve used to be. Even then you seemed at peace, almost as if you were asleep.

I knew better. No one could sleep that peacefully, not with the incredibly cruel monsters wandering around behind these walls. Not even you could pull that off.

Now that I'm all alone. What can I do?

Through time, before this moment, I had come to terms with what I feel. Maybe that's the reason why I hate myself more than ever. I couldn't tell you and I regret it. I don't know when it happened. It could have been when we met, love at first sight? or perhaps at first insult? I'm still not sure what you meant back then. Perhaps it was when, in my darkest and loneliest moments, you were always there with that bright smile that would make fall for you all over again.

God it hurts! I had the chance. More than once and yet I pushed it off. Pushed it off because I feared you rejecting me. The more I think about it, I know it's a stupid excuse. I lacked the bravery.

That’s what hurts the most.

I keep thinking, thinking of all the possibilities. Of all the good or bad times we could of had. Without you I’m practically an empty shell that once held a human.

I feel lost.

\-----

Maybe I'm imagining this, dreaming or I've gone crazy, but I saw you. You were showered by a bright light. You truly did seem like an angel. I wanted to tell you then and there bus as soon as you came. You were gone. I knew I needed to say it but...

It's not always easy saying goodbye when there's so much more unspoken.

\-----

I’m tired, simply tired. The days go by in blurs. It's become harder to move. I feel as though I’m stuck in a never ending loop. Every night I go through the same nightmare and everyday I go by the same, a machine.

Despite all of this I keep moving forward.

Our friends stare at me. Wondering if I’m alright. Come to think of it, you were the only one who truly understood me. The only one who put up with my crap, my foul attitude and overall stuck with me.

Eventually they stopped asking, stopped bothering and left me with the little piece of sense I have left.

That night. I know you came to visit me. I don’t recall all the things you said but seeing you was enough. Even if only for a split second.

As I came back to my senses, I looked at the swarming horde of titans below my feet. Standing above the wall gave me a good view of the sickening creatures. Cold and dark thoughts crept through the back of my mind.

I wanted to cut through their skin. Not through their weak point but to cut through their limbs and as soon as they regenerated, repeat the process. Make them feel and to screech out in pain.

The courage you gave me was enough for me to continue but that light is slowly fading.

\----

"Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.” -Michael Murdock


End file.
